Puff Squiddy: Gold Digger Calamari at Vistancia

And the search for the world’s best calamari continues … now in Peoria, Ariz.

Rating: 2.25 out of 4 squids (Squid Worthy)

Posted by Kimberly Hundley, Gal-Amari

Yes, I invested $1.50 in a used 1980s-era Jane Fonda workout book–still the best quick workout ever devised–but I have a grease-soaked mission more important than sinewy thighs: super-squid questing. Even in the midst of , one of Arizona’s premier retirement communities, Vistancia in Peoria, the tempura calamari became an unlikely must-order. I’m calling this the “gold-digger” calamari for reasons I don’t care to discuss in detail; let’s just say the squid tends to  listen to the same music I do, weigh 20 pounds less, and will dart into a mature man’s belly before he’s sure what he’s tasting.

Is there gold in them thar puffs?

The Verde Grill, just outside the private, master-planned community of Vistancia, is a restaurant adjacent to the public golf course. Friends and I sat on the beautiful patio beneath a white-cloud studded winter sky; this particular day made the Valley’s eight months of human parboiling seem worth the wait. The patio’s giant fountain drowns out all possibility of conversation for the hearing-aid army, but we youthful souls managed to shout over the burble and arrive at a consensus on the tempura calamari.  I think. We can’t hear worth a damn either, but we can sort of lip read, especially with  a steady flow of chardonnay to heighten our  intuition.

The huge plate of fluffy, crazily shaped, golden-fried pieces were like fat balloon animals. I quickly twisted two of them into a likeness of my thighs and ate them.

So, the gold-digger calamari ($9), disturbingly described as “hand-dipped,” is tempura battered with sweet chili sauce and green onions. My gamble paid off, because this preparation of rings and spider feet gave me a new experience in the squid recipe realm: squiddle tempura to the max. The huge plate of fluffy, crazily shaped, golden-fried pieces were like fat balloon animals. I quickly twisted two of them into a likeness of my thighs and ate them.

Most kitchens would serve the dipping sauce on the side. But this chef was unafraid of exchanging crispness for wet Kleenex, and dumped the sweet-spicy Asian sauce directly onto the tempura. To his/her credit, the batter held up pretty well! Tasty! Yet, was this breaded squid, breaded onions, or breaded taffy? It was anybody’s guess.

All Fluff

I hand-pried the batter from the “hand-dipped” gold-digger calamari. Sure enough, our beloved cephalod was embedded within its pretty packaging. Eaten alone, the squiddles had an acceptable snap and lack of fishiness.

But this dish would have been just as flavorful if the airy pieces had been filled with hydrogen. Imagine spicy Asian beignets with hints of squid. But, hey, maybe all you care about is glinting, oiliness; maybe this youthful squid has everything you’re looking for with its golden tan, lack of weightiness, and a pork-rind allure devoid of its own retirement, final divorce papers, or even four solitary weeks on its own eight feet.

Truthfully, doughnut lovers and cala-starties may find this to be their cup of sea. Props for the sexy, voluptuous presentation and generous green onion sprinkles, too.

If you’re in the far reaches of Peoria, check out the Verde Grill. If the temperature is below 78 degrees, you’ll likely have the patio to yourself because it will be too cold for the locals, and the food is darn edgy for this kind of venue. Golf course views soothe the soul. Warning: Allow 10 to 15 minutes for anything to arrive at your table from the time you order–even drinks. And wine lovers should just get a bottle; glass pours are a good 25 percent shy of the norm, though prices have no such reservations